Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self
Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin
Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self
Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin
The closer an object gets to us, the less clear and more distorted it becomes. We rarely see our selves clearly and truly because we’re the closest person to us. It’s hard to love your self if you can’t see your self. It’s hard to be your self if you lose perspective of who you are. In this opening chapter, Love Letter To My Self, I invite four protagonists of their stories — Joan Chang, Adam Tie, Andrea Tan and Sarah Huang Benjamin — to walk a few steps back, create some distance in order to take a closer look at themselves. And with that view before them, and within them, to write a love letter to themselves. I invite you to do the same — put your mind, your heart on paper, and see what you discover. In the mean time, this is my conversation with Joan.
The closer an object gets to us, the less clear and more distorted it becomes. We rarely see our selves clearly and truly because we’re the closest person to us. It’s hard to love your self if you can’t see your self. It’s hard to be your self if you lose perspective of who you are. In this opening chapter, Love Letter To My Self, I invite four protagonists of their stories — Joan Chang, Adam Tie, Andrea Tan and Sarah Huang Benjamin — to walk a few steps back, create some distance in order to take a closer look at themselves. And with that view before them, and within them, to write a love letter to themselves. I invite you to do the same — put your mind, your heart on paper, and see what you discover. In the mean time, this is my conversation with Joan.
words & photography KARMAN TSE
makeup & hair VERA LIM
outfits HERMÈS
Joan: They called me Margaret Thatcher.
Me: They called me Poison Ivy.
Over freshly made scones (she likes hers with raisins, I like mine without) and tea (hers, Maori Blue. Mine, a green tea named Casablanca), we exchanged a little titbit from our past. We were both nicknamed in school by people who didn’t and couldn’t quite get us. I have always been a late bloomer, so it took me a while to understand why I’ve always felt a little out of place, always a degree-and-a-half askew: The world doesn’t seem to like it when you’re different, or if you don’t act like everyone else. Act. Like you’re playing a role, being someone else. It took some time and an unexpected journey before I came to accept, and eventually like, being exactly who I am — and the freedom that comes with it. Joan, however, possesses a covetable self-assuredness that has spared her the detour. “I won’t pretend or change myself just to fit into a group narrative,” she says.
Yeah, she’s cool like that.
But everybody has a story. Even “the cool ones”. Even the ones you want to believe “have it all”. There’s nothing more poisonous than the myth of other people’s “Perfect Life” that kills the joy of your own.
I met Joan—the co-founder of Lloyd’s Inn and Ove—a few years ago for the purpose of work. And then a few more times cursorily at events here and there. In all of those encounters, few words — or smiles — were exchanged between us. I decided unilaterally that she must not be very fond of me. As it turns out, she made the same decision about my impression of her. Another piece of yummy revelation to chew on as we reach for another dainty sandwich on the afternoon-tea stand between us: Why is it so easy for us to make up lousy stories about ourselves that we would never about our friends and people we love? What masochists. Amused, we disabused each other of our ridiculous, groundless assumption.
To people who don’t know or care to know her, Joan is a woman of few words. She is not a big fan of small talk. Her taciturnity, though, I wonder if she’s aware, is part of her charm. To those who know and care to get to know her, how she lights up and opens up like flowers in a blooming tea when the conversation goes deep and to places that are interesting, fun and meaningful to her. That’s her charm, too.
Joan: They called me Margaret Thatcher.
Me: They called me Poison Ivy.
Over freshly made scones (she likes hers with raisins, I like mine without) and tea (hers, Maori Blue. Mine, a green tea named Casablanca), we exchanged a little titbit from our past. We were both nicknamed in school by people who didn’t and couldn’t quite get us. I have always been a late bloomer, so it took me a while to understand why I’ve always felt a little out of place, always a degree-and-a-half askew: The world doesn’t seem to like it when you’re different, or if you don’t act like everyone else. Act. Like you’re playing a role, being someone else. It took some time and an unexpected journey before I came to accept, and eventually like, being exactly who I am — and the freedom that comes with it. Joan, however, possesses a covetable self-assuredness that has spared her the detour. “I won’t pretend or change myself just to fit into a group narrative,” she says.
Yeah, she’s cool like that.
But everybody has a story. Even “the cool ones”. Even the ones you want to believe “have it all”. There’s nothing more poisonous than the myth of other people’s “Perfect Life” that kills the joy of your own.
I met Joan—the co-founder of Lloyd’s Inn and Ove—a few years ago for the purpose of work. And then a few more times cursorily at events here and there. In all of those encounters, few words — or smiles — were exchanged between us. I decided unilaterally that she must not be very fond of me. As it turns out, she made the same decision about my impression of her. Another piece of yummy revelation to chew on as we reach for another dainty sandwich on the afternoon-tea stand between us: Why is it so easy for us to make up lousy stories about ourselves that we would never about our friends and people we love? What masochists. Amused, we disabused each other of our ridiculous, groundless assumption.
To people who don’t know or care to know her, Joan is a woman of few words. She is not a big fan of small talk. Her taciturnity, though, I wonder if she’s aware, is part of her charm. To those who know and care to get to know her, how she lights up and opens up like flowers in a blooming tea when the conversation goes deep and to places that are interesting, fun and meaningful to her. That’s her charm, too.
Joan wears HERMÈS. Accessories, her own.
And so our conversation goes — on quite a trip. From the high maintenance of short hair, inspired by her New-Year-New-Me bob, to her expertise in the Myers-Briggs personality test. She impressively deduced that I am INFP — on the spot and spot on. She is ENTJ (fun fact: Margaret Thatcher is ENTJ, too, Joan.) She regaled me with a few stories from her travels — the adventures, the misadventures. She misses all of it. Life is to be experienced — “I’m always up for trying new things,” she said. The chat took a serious turn for a bit when we delved into the importance of our mental and emotional wellbeing, the demons we fight and do our best to defeat every day. And then we were back on the gentler terrains of fashion, interior design and books (Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier are two of her favourites. She’s also a Jane Austen and Sophie Kinsella fan.)
Two hours and too many sandwiches later, I was ready to retreat into my own world and be with my self again (not because I didn’t enjoy our tête-à-tête, quite the contrary. But because, INFP — 92% I). When you get to know someone and their story intimately, when you invite someone new into your world — albeit a brief moment — you invite in a host of new feelings and thoughts. There’s much to process. Like exploring a city for the first time, you make new discoveries, see things in a different light, and they change you, however imperceptible. They give old ideas new layers and colours. Sometimes, they present you with questions. Sometimes, they hit you with an a-ha. And even if you eventually forget all that you’ve heard or witnessed, you never forget how it made you feel in that moment. That afternoon, as Joan showed me a glimpse into her world, her self, I saw a little more of me, too. The feeling I hope I never forget: The lightness of being me, one-and-a-half degrees askew.
Everyone has a story.
It is not always written on her face,
or worn on her sleeves.
It is in the words she doesn’t speak.
In the silence.
It is in the heart of her heart
protected by layers and layers of another self.
It is in the hidden scars.
In the nights bereft of stars.
Everyone has a story.
What if you listened more and judged less—
most importantly of yours.
A few days ago, I shared an Instagram post about the toxicity of “validation”. To that, Joan replied: “You don’t need anyone’s validation to be your own person.”
And so our conversation goes — on quite a trip. From the high maintenance of short hair, inspired by her New-Year-New-Me bob, to her expertise in the Myers-Briggs personality test. She impressively deduced that I am INFP — on the spot and spot on. She is ENTJ (fun fact: Margaret Thatcher is ENTJ, too, Joan.) She regaled me with a few stories from her travels — the adventures, the misadventures. She misses all of it. Life is to be experienced — “I’m always up for trying new things,” she said. The chat took a serious turn for a bit when we delved into the importance of our mental and emotional wellbeing, the demons we fight and do our best to defeat every day. And then we were back on the gentler terrains of fashion, interior design and books (Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier are two of her favourites. She’s also a Jane Austen and Sophie Kinsella fan.)
Two hours and too many sandwiches later, I was ready to retreat into my own world and be with my self again (not because I didn’t enjoy our tête-à-tête, quite the contrary. But because, INFP — 92% I). When you get to know someone and their story intimately, when you invite someone new into your world — albeit a brief moment — you invite in a host of new feelings and thoughts. There’s much to process. Like exploring a city for the first time, you make new discoveries, see things in a different light, and they change you, however imperceptible. They give old ideas new layers and colours. Sometimes, they present you with questions. Sometimes, they hit you with an a-ha. And even if you eventually forget all that you’ve heard or witnessed, you never forget how it made you feel in that moment. That afternoon, as Joan showed me a glimpse into her world, her self, I saw a little more of me, too. The feeling I hope I never forget: The lightness of being me, one-and-a-half degrees askew.
Everyone has a story.
It is not always written on her face,
or worn on her sleeves.
It is in the words she doesn’t speak.
In the silence.
It is in the heart of her heart
protected by layers and layers of another self.
It is in the hidden scars.
In the nights bereft of stars.
Everyone has a story.
What if you listened more and judged less—
most importantly of yours.
A few days ago, I shared an Instagram post about the toxicity of “validation”. To that, Joan replied: “You don’t need anyone’s validation to be your own person.”
Joan’s Love Letter To Self—
A repertoire of choices that defines us daily;
And always on a scale for us to make.
Life. Love.
Living. Leaving.
Loving. Loathing.
Landing. Losing.
Stepping outside ourselves, comprehending, weighing
Reading —
What number are we at,
Which page do we run;
How we pass time
Why we bookmark the memories
Whom we flag the corners
/
Finding the joy in repetition
& really what defines us
Staying true to this combination
& the flame doesn’t combust
A Balance.
Joan’s LOVE LETTER TO SELF
Who is Joan Chang?
Joan: It’s hard to say who I am in a single word. I’ve always felt like I’m slices of the many people I meet. I’m part extrovert, part introvert. I’m a go-getter, yet also a family person. I can be quite rigid in some ways, but I am also capable of letting loose and having fun. Perhaps the right word to describe me would be “balance”.
What is your current state of heart?
Joan: Balanced. That’s in part due to my faith, which gives me inner peace and strength.
Imagine meeting your self for the first time, what do think might be the first thing(s) that’d strike you?
Joan: Interesting shoes/bag.
What three qualities in you do you most admire and are grateful for?
Joan: Confidence. Rationality. Genuineness.
When I say “self-love”, what comes to mind? What does it mean for you to love and value yourself in the current season?
Joan: To me, self-love means first being self-aware: Knowing what I want, need and enjoy, and making sure the plan is executed so it doesn’t remain just a plan. In life, it’s important to have good balance, and it’s important to say “no” when my gut tells me “no”.
Pre-Covid, travelling was my fuel — it gave me the space to detox, decompress, have time to myself and to recharge before returning to work. But since that hasn’t been possible, I have become more protective of my time for me. For me to function optimally, I need at least two nights a week to myself to decompress. When the quota for social engagements each week has been met, I’ve learned to politely decline so I don’t overwhelm myself and feel like I’m attending an event or meeting someone just because of FOMO. This is also how I make sure I’m being fair to those I do meet, that I can be 100% present.
—
“To me, SELF-LOVE means first being self-aware: Knowing what I want, need and enjoy, and making sure the plan is executed so it doesn’t remain just a plan. In life, it’s important to have good BALANCE, and it’s important to say ‘no’ when my gut tells me ‘no’.”
“To me, SELF-LOVE means first being self-aware: Knowing what I want, need and enjoy, and making sure the plan is executed so it doesn’t remain just a plan. In life, it’s important to have good BALANCE, and it’s important to say ‘no’ when my gut tells me ‘no’.”
What is one of your biggest self criticisms or judgements? How do you quiet the bad DJ in your head and change the narrative?
Joan: Not being able to foresee or handle the unknown unknowns. Even if I could perfectly plan for all the scenarios I could think of, the unknown unknowns still scare me. To silence my fear, I turn to my rational self. Over time, I’ve come to realise that the fear of something is almost always worse than the reality. What I can do is cross the bridge when I come to it.
What is one thing you’re ready to let go of which no longer serves you and your life?
Joan: Toxic characters, thoughts and negativity. I believe in mutual respect, and that relationships are a two-way street. I do not pursue connections that are not meant to be, nor will I pretend or change myself just to fit into a group narrative.
When is your idea of perfect happiness? When was the last time you consciously chose to do something to make you happy, and what was it?
Joan: My idea of perfect happiness would be travelling and exploring new territories in the world. Aside from that, I enjoy really simple moments in life — and it varies day to day. It could be a pocket of time to daydream before I go to sleep, watching Netflix with my hubby, or pampering myself with a body scrub and aromatic candles. Actually, I think I shower myself with too much self-love, haha.
What is one of your biggest self criticisms or judgements? How do you quiet the bad DJ in your head and change the narrative?
Joan: Not being able to foresee or handle the unknown unknowns. Even if I could perfectly plan for all the scenarios I could think of, the unknown unknowns still scare me. To silence my fear, I turn to my rational self. Over time, I’ve come to realise that the fear of something is almost always worse than the reality. What I can do is cross the bridge when I come to it.
What is one thing you’re ready to let go of which no longer serves you and your life?
Joan: Toxic characters, thoughts and negativity. I believe in mutual respect, and that relationships are a two-way street. I do not pursue connections that are not meant to be, nor will I pretend or change myself just to fit into a group narrative.
When is your idea of perfect happiness? When was the last time you consciously chose to do something to make you happy, and what was it?
Joan: My idea of perfect happiness would be travelling and exploring new territories in the world. Aside from that, I enjoy really simple moments in life — and it varies day to day. It could be a pocket of time to daydream before I go to sleep, watching Netflix with my hubby, or pampering myself with a body scrub and aromatic candles. Actually, I think I shower myself with too much self-love, haha.
Joan wears HERMÈS
“For me to function optimally, I need at least two nights a week to myself to decompress. When the quota for social engagements each week has been met, I’ve learned to politely decline, so I don’t overwhelm myself and feel like I’m attending an event or meeting someone just because of FOMO.”
“For me to function optimally, I need at least two nights a week to myself to decompress. When the quota for social engagements each week has been met, I’ve learned to politely decline, so I don’t overwhelm myself and feel like I’m attending an event or meeting someone just because of FOMO.”
What is, to date, your favourite journey?
Joan: The year I stepped out on my own to discover the beauty and wonders of travelling. I love travelling so much because of the respite it gifts me. I enjoy the precious opportunities to seek growth and knowledge, and to be free and without obligations.
What is your greatest regret?
Joan: Not being able to say goodbye to my great-grandmother.
What self-care do you practice often that has proven to be beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing?
Joan: I do a variety of things. Travel and music are two things I enjoy the most. I also do yoga, art therapy, I exercise, play the piano, go on nature walks, visit museums and immerse myself in experiences I enjoy. These often inspire in me different perspectives and creativity. I don’t think I’m always right, or that my way of thinking is the only way, so I like that meeting people and learning new things expose me to various new ideas.
Complete the sentence: The best gift I can give my self is …
Joan: Being authentic and living a life that’s true to my passions, not letting others define who I am.
If you could go back to a time when you were going through a particularly hard/dark time, or when, one day in the future, you’re feeling down and defeated and were to come back to read this story, what would you say to your self?
Joan: Take courage. Take the plunge, swim in the deep end. You will come out stronger knowing you’ve tried.
Now, to balance the energy a bit, you ask me a question 😉
Joan: What is your narrative/word of the day?
Me: I can’t hope for a better past. But I can accept what is here, and I can do my best in the present, and trust that my future is on its way to meet me.
What is, to date, your favourite journey?
Joan: The year I stepped out on my own to discover the beauty and wonders of travelling. I love travelling so much because of the respite it gifts me. I enjoy the precious opportunities to seek growth and knowledge, and to be free and without obligations.
What is your greatest regret?
Joan: Not being able to say goodbye to my great-grandmother.
What self-care do you practice often that has proven to be beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing?
Joan: I do a variety of things. Travel and music are two things I enjoy the most. I also do yoga, art therapy, I exercise, play the piano, go on nature walks, visit museums and immerse myself in experiences I enjoy. These often inspire in me different perspectives and creativity. I don’t think I’m always right, or that my way of thinking is the only way, so I like that meeting people and learning new things expose me to various new ideas.
Complete the sentence: The best gift I can give my self is …
Joan: Being authentic and living a life that’s true to my passions, not letting others define who I am.
If you could go back to a time when you were going through a particularly hard/dark time, or when, one day in the future, you’re feeling down and defeated and were to come back to read this story, what would you say to your self?
Joan: Take courage. Take the plunge, swim in the deep end. You will come out stronger knowing you’ve tried.
Now, to balance the energy a bit, you ask me a question 😉
Joan: What is your narrative/word of the day?
Me: I can’t hope for a better past. But I can accept what is here, and I can do my best in the present, and trust that my future is on its way to meet me.
“The best gift I can give my self is… being authentic and living a life That’s true to my passions, not letting others define who I am.”
“THE BEST GIFT I CAN GIVE MY SELF IS… BEING AUTHENTIC AND LIVING A LIFE THAT’S TRUE TO MY PASSIONS, NOT LETTING OTHERS DEFINE WHO I AM.”
Joan Chang is the co-founder of Ove and Lloyd’s Inn.
In no more than one page, write a love letter to your self—by hand. Prompts: This letter could be an expression of gratitude for what you have overcome and become, words of encouragement, a letter to your previous/future self, or an apology. Try it, be a friend to your self. x
Ok, ready to face the world.
I feel the garden on my skin.
In these pages, I meet my self again.
I loved myself out of the dark.
I needed the reminder.
I close my eyes, and ask my heart what it desires.
Ok, ready to face the world.
I feel the garden on my skin.
In these pages, I met my self again.
I loved myself out of the dark.
I needed the reminder.
I close my eyes, and ask my heart what it desires.