Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self

Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin

Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self
Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin

The closer an object gets to us, the less clear and more distorted it becomes. We rarely see our selves clearly and truly because we’re the closest person to us. It’s hard to love your self if you can’t see your self. It’s hard to be your self if you lose perspective of who you are. In this opening chapter, Love Letter To My Self, I invite four protagonists of their stories—Joan Chang, Adam Tie, Andrea Tan and Sarah Huang Benjamin—to walk a few steps back, create some distance in order to take a closer look at themselves. And with that view before them, and within them, to write a love letter to themselves. I invite you to do the same—put your mind, your heart on paper, and see what you discover. In the mean time, this is my conversation with Andrea.

words & photography KARMAN TSE
make-up & hair VERA LIM
outfits HERMÈS

Outfit, Jewellery & Chypre Sandals / HERMÈS

“Chance had brought us together… we’d sat, a table between us, sipping coffee and talking over a few things. But these weren’t subjects you just chatted about over coffee. There was something more significant in our talk, something that seemed meaningful to us, in the act of living out our lives. Still, it was merely a hint, delivered by chance.”

—Haruki Murakami,
First Person Singular

Do you believe in magic?

I wonder often why we meet the people we meet. Sometimes, it’s a blink of an encounter, yet they leave you with a feeling—or words—that linger, like perfume on your jacket. Sometimes, they stay longer and come closer than you expect. Close enough to show you who you are, long enough to have you believe in who you could be.

Is it merely chance? For Chance to bring two people together, a thousand little chances imperceptible by the eye (perhaps only the heart can see—“I had a feeling”, says your hindsight) will have accomplished their mission. Is it our choice? But then again, before we choose our choice, a thousand little choices have already chosen us. Let’s not forget a thousand others that did not. Will we ever know for sure? Probably not. And therein lies the magic that some call “fate”, “destiny” or “kismet”.

When I think about my meeting with Andrea, I think about the invisible hands at play. And also the actual hands. It was her rumination about hands in an Instagram post that captured my attention and curiosity. It moved me. And it gave me a feeling that she, too, must hear the words “you think too much” and “you care too much” too often. So I sent her an email. And we met. That was the beginning—well, the beginning that I’m aware of anyway.

—Haruki Murakami, First Person Singular

“

If I were meeting my self for the first time, I would probably think of me as rather unapproachable. But I would also see that I have KIND EYES and a sparkly spirit—a peculiar mix of ENERGY.”

“If I were meeting my self for the first time, I would probably think of me as rather unapproachable. But I would also see that I have KIND EYES and a sparkly spirit—a peculiar mix of ENERGY.”

“Love more, love harder. Feel everything.”

“Love more, love harder. Feel everything.”

Some people are harder to write about than others. I keep hitting a wall as I searched for words to precisely describe Andrea as I see her. Girl who wears many hats? Girl who wears her heart on her sleeve? Girl who fearlessly digs deep into what it means to be her self in spite of her fears and anxiety? Empathetic, compassionate and esoteric like the Pisces she is?

Here are the facts: Andrea Tan is the co-founder of Lucid and coffee consultancy business, 37 Waves, as well. as the local partner for Cupping Room Singapore. She is the first National Brewers’ Cup champion from Singapore. She was 20 when she won. She is a certified World Coffee Events judge. She’s 26.

But these are labels, the whats—what she does, what she has achieved. Not who she is. So who is she? “A subconscious collection of thoughts and actions flitting through reality, consciously staying grounded.” Even her own definition of self refuses to be defined. Or confined: “I don’t think it is ever possible for me to feel just one specific emotion at any one time.”

And that’s some kind of magic, too. We are a new version of our selves every day, and every day we get to choose who we want to be like we choose our outfit and lip colour. We can always choose again, we can always change our thought if our thought doesn’t serve us or bring us joy and peace.

Some people are harder to write about than others. I keep hitting a wall as I searched for words to precisely describe Andrea as I see her. Girl who wears many hats? Girl who wears her heart on her sleeve? Girl who fearlessly digs deep into what it means to be her self in spite of her fears and anxiety? Empathetic, compassionate and esoteric like the Piscean she was born as?

Here are the facts: Andrea Tan is the co-founder of Lucid and coffee consultancy business, 37 Waves, as well. as the local partner for Cupping Room Singapore.. She is the first National Brewers’ Cup champion from Singapore. She was 20 when she won. She is a certified World Coffee Events judge. She’s 26.

But these are labels, the whats—what she does, what she has achieved. Not who she is. So who is she? “A subconscious collection of thoughts and actions flitting through reality, consciously staying grounded.” Even her own definition of self refuses to be defined. Or confined: “I don’t think it is ever possible for me to feel just one specific emotion at any one time.”

And that’s some kind of magic, too. We are a new version of our selves every day, and every day we get to choose who we want to be like we choose our outfit and lip colour. We can always choose again, we can always change our thought if our thought doesn’t serve us or bring us joy and peace.

Andrea wears HERMÈS

Why do we meet the people we meet? One of my answers is that every person we cross paths with has something to teach us. Whether they bring rainbow and sunshine or a raging storm and darkness into your life; whether they have come to break us open or help us to put pieces of our selves back together, I believe they always happen for us rather than to us. Every one of them has come to reveal who we are.

In the three months since we first met, Andrea has taught me quite a few things. This is one of them: I can and should be proud of my self in any given moment for what I’ve already achieved instead of constantly waiting for some bigger future goal I haven’t. (“I’m very proud of you”— an encouragement she has been generously giving me.)

And this: Meaningful connections are forged in honesty and sincerity. (“I hope you feel better soon and find your light again. Your eyes don’t have their usual twinkle in them today.”)

And this: Perfection requires practice and courage, too. (“An artist who hangs on to their work and refuses to sign off on it believing it can be better will never be able to create more art. Let it go, be brave enough to let your works-in-progress be a part of your body of work.” —her advice to me when I couldn’t let go.)

And this: It’s a gift to be more than one thing, one dimension, one role that the world pigeonholes you in. You’re not an “either or”, you’re an “ampersand”. Her duality—she’s shy and self-assured (it’s plain to see in these pictures), she’s reserved and expressive, she spends much time in her own head and she lives from her heart— is her charm.

Light. That’s the word I’m going with to describe Andrea. She named her café “Lucid”. Even her IGS sparkles. It makes perfect sense.

“I have made peace with the spectrum of emotions I am prone to feeling at once. To embrace is far better than to suppress, better than forcing myself to choose the “appropriate” emotion to feel. Buried feelings are going to manifest elsewhere ultimately.”

Imagine meeting your self for the first time, what do think might be the first thing(s) about her that’d strike you?
Andrea: I’ve been told that I can appear quite cold. So if I were meeting my self for the first time, I would probably think of me as rather unapproachable. But I would also see that I have kind eyes and a sparkly spirit—a peculiar mix of energy.

When I say “self love”, what comes to mind? What does it mean for you to love and value your self in the current season?
Andrea: Self-love means being at peace with your own company. For me, it means setting and respecting my own boundaries. It also means not letting myself get away with bad habits and toxic thoughts. If you spend X amount of energy beating yourself up, you’ll have to be fair and give yourself X amount of energy in building yourself up, too.

Who is Andrea Tan?
Andrea: Water baby making waves. A subconscious collection of thoughts and actions flitting through reality, consciously staying grounded.

What is your current state of heart?
Andrea: Confused, indignant, yet at peace and happy. I don’t think it is ever possible for me to feel a specific emotion at any one time. I hope to be balanced, but I recognise that the balance doesn’t always come from a state of calm, but rather a mix of anxiousness, excitement, trepidation and joviality. It’s only when a single emotion becomes too extreme that I need to reflect and rein it back. But I have made peace with the spectrum of emotions I am prone to feeling at once. To embrace is far better than to suppress, better than forcing myself to choose the “appropriate” emotion to feel. Buried feelings are going to manifest elsewhere ultimately.

Imagine meeting your self for the first time, what do think might be the first thing(s) about her that’d strike you?
Andrea: I’ve been told that I can appear quite cold. So if I were meeting my self for the first time, I would probably think of me as rather unapproachable. But I would also see that I have kind eyes and a sparkly spirit—a peculiar mix of energy.

When I say “self love”, what comes to mind? What does it mean for you to love and value your self in the current season? Andrea: Self-love means being at peace with your own company. For me, it means setting and respecting my own boundaries. It also means not letting myself get away with bad habits and toxic thoughts. If you spend X amount of energy beating yourself up, you’ll have to be fair and give yourself X amount of energy in building yourself up, too.

Andrea’s love letter to self.

What is one of your biggest self criticisms or judgements? How do you quiet the bad DJ in your head and change the narrative?
Andrea: That I’m not good enough. Identifying anchor persons in my life and having them hold me accountable is the best way I can be honest with myself.

What is one thing you’re ready to let go of which no longer serves you and your life?
Andrea: Being stubborn and pretending that the stubbornness is resilience, strength, or willpower. It is none of those things, and brute force used in the wrong way can and will harm me more than stagnation ever will.

When is your idea of perfect happiness?
Andrea: Perfect happiness is exploring new places with people that I can sit in comfortable silences with.

When was the last time you consciously chose to do something to make you happy? What was it?
Andrea: I cooked dinner. I’m not great at it, but it was fun, and I loved it.

“Sometimes I wake up with a tightness in my chest and millions of things going on inside my head. When that happens, I roll over, pick up my notebook and write… until I have nothing more to write… and I can breathe again.”

What is a quote/mantra/positive affirmation you live by?
Andrea: Every feeling you’ve ever had has been felt by someone before you. You may not be special, but you’re definitely not alone.

What is your greatest fear?
Andrea: Being unwanted.

What self-care do you practice often that has proven to be beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing?
Andrea: I’ve started journaling in a method known as “Morning Pages”. It’s often an incoherent string of thoughts that comes together as essentially a brain dump. Sometimes I wake up with a tightness in my chest and millions of things going on inside my head. When that happens, I roll over, pick up my notebook and write. It usually starts with my feelings, then goes on to my to-do list, then my evaluation of situations… It goes on and on until I have nothing more to write, and the tight feeling in my chest eases, and I can breathe again.

Complete the sentence: The best gift I can give my self is …
Andrea: Time. Time to heal, to think, to be alone, to be with someone. Efficiency is great, but to do it once, and do it right, is better.

Sneakers, HERMÈS

Sneakers, HERMÈS

As I sat alone at the sushi counter—with well-dressed, well-mannered perfect strangers on either side of me and a perfect view of Tokyo’s skyline, I was just a nameless girl—no label, no story, no past, no future, no one to answer to, no expectation to fulfil—who belonged in that moment. I was just me, contemplating the beautiful Summer colours in my perfect sushi rice bowl in a perfect moment that was everything. And it was everything in a moment.

Dessert: A no-bake Philadelphia cheesecake I used to make, of which I’d like to have a slice with my brother, Nic.
One time, I made the cake with salt instead of sugar by accident. My little brother was the first to taste it. I will never forget the look on his face when he took a bite and spat it out, Merlion-style, all over the kitchen floor. It’s the kind of story that’s really not funny when it’s happening, but one you can laugh about when it has become a memory—and it’s special because belongs only to the two of you.

And that’s it. Thank you for the question and spending your time with me, and with your self in this interview.

Now, you ask me a question.
Andrea: Last meal on earth—what would you eat? You have three courses: Appetiser, main course and dessert. Mix cuisines, if you like.

Me: If I think about my last meal as having my three favourite foods, then it’d be a giant uni sushi at Tsukiji Market to start, cold pasta with truffle oil and more uni at Da Luca, and a sweet crêpe (with a hot café au lait) at Breizh at Le Marais.

But food, for me, has a lot to do with love. When my friends feed me, when they buy me a meal, cook for me, bake a cake for me, I receive it as love in edible form. And what I choose to feed my self is how I choose to love my self, too—it is often an indication of my state of mind and heart: Am happy or depressed? Am I loving or loathing myself? To answer your question, I thought about the tastes that bring me back to a special place and time in my life so far, to cherished memories I think I should like to savour once more in my last meal on earth.

Appetiser: Hong Kong-style egg bubble waffle
A favourite childhood snack.

Main course: Chirashi Sushi Rice Bowl (Hinokizaka, The Ritz-Carlton Tokyo)
There are only a few moments in life when you feel, without logic or reason, that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed to be. You may not know why at the time, and maybe you’ll never find out. It’s not even an event of significance. It’s just a feeling. A feeling of profound peace and stillness coming from somewhere deep within, impregnable by anything external. A feeling of be-ingness. In those moments, you just know.

As I sat alone at the sushi counter—with well-dressed, well-mannered perfect strangers on either side of me and a perfect view of Tokyo’s skyline, I was just a nameless girl—no label, no story, no past, no future, no one to answer to, no expectation to fulfil—who belonged in that moment. I was just me, contemplating the beautiful Summer colours in my perfect sushi rice bowl in a perfect moment that was everything. And it was everything in a moment.

Dessert: A no-bake Philadelphia cheesecake I used to make, of which I’d like to have a slice with my brother, Nic.
One time, I made the cake with salt instead of sugar by accident. My little brother was the first to taste it. I will never forget the look on his face when he took a bite and spat it out, Merlion-style, all over the kitchen floor. It’s the kind of story that’s really not funny when it’s happening, but one you can laugh about when it has become a memory—and it’s special because belongs only to the two of you.

And that’s it. Thank you for the question and spending your time with me, and with your self in this interview.

“The best gift I can give my self is time—time to heal, to think, to be alone, to be with someone.”

Andrea Tan is the co-founder of Lucid and the local partner for Cupping Room Singapore.

Your SElf-Love Practice

In no more than one page, write a love letter to your self—by hand. Prompts: This letter could be an expression of gratitude for what you have overcome and become, words of encouragement, a letter to your previous/future self, or an apology. Try it, be a friend to your self. x