Love Letter To My Self: Sarah Huang Benjamin

Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self

Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin

Chapter 01 / Love Letter To My Self
Joan Chang / Adam Tie / Andrea Tan / Sarah Huang Benjamin

The closer an object gets to us, the less clear and more distorted it becomes. We rarely see our selves clearly and truly because we’re the closest person to us. It’s hard to love your self if you can’t see your self. It’s hard to be your self if you lose perspective of who you are. In this opening chapter, Love Letter To My Self, I invite four protagonists of their stories — Joan Chang, Adam Tie, Andrea Tan and Sarah Huang Benjamin — to walk a few steps back, create some distance in order to take a closer look at themselves. And with that view before them, and within them, to write a love letter to themselves. I invite you to do the same — put your mind, your heart on paper, and see what you discover. In the mean time, this is my conversation with Sarah.

words & photography KARMAN TSE
accessories HERMÈS

“She is already the most accurate possible representation of herself.”

— Rachel Cusk

Table by the window. Morning light, young and bright. Sarah hasn’t arrived. I resist the temptation to pick up my phone and settle into a daydream. The usual objects on the table—cold utensils, glasses and a jug of water—seem to be breathing in the light. Then, each at their own pace, they exhale it out in sparkles and dancing ripples, more brilliant and marvellous than before. I peel my eyes away from the light show and shift my attention to the objects’ shadows. I hadn’t noticed when they got here, but I know very well that wherever the objects go, there they’ll be. Solemn and unmoving, they darken when the light strengthens. And when the sun retreats momentarily into the clouds, they fade as if to hide. To be without a shadow is to be without light, it’s to be without a part of our selves, without life…

Just about then, something pink and ebullient snaps me out of my thoughts. Sarah. Her dress is out to put a smile on your face, like a tulip on a perfect spring day. It brings to mind something she’d later say about how she loves to bring joy to people and make them laugh. Her own smile, toasty and kind, has a similar effect.

The loudness of her outfit belies the gentleness of her energy and the calm of her voice. Even though we’re meeting for the first time, her authenticity can be felt immediately. There’s a profound thoughtfulness in her words that feels nourishing. “Spa for the mind”, as she says—and heart, I’ll add. Hers is a kind of authenticity that makes you feel safe enough, brave enough to be your self, too. It reminds you that to be your self does not mean to be one thing only. “I am so many things. I do so many things, I come from so many places and I contain so many contradictions… I am a work in progress,” she tells me.

There are silences that beg to be filled. There are silences that allow you to breathe and be in the moment. With Sarah, the latter is true. There’s no need for extra words where extra words have no value or meaning. It’s one of many more facets of her that may not appear often on her YouTube channel and Instagram, where you’ll more likely encounter Ebullient-Pink-Dress Sarah cooking—and eating—up a storm ( @Sarah: Thank you for all your ramyeon recipes and recommendations, btw), flitting linguistically between English, Mandarin and Hokkien. That’s Sarah Huang Benjamin, too, no mistake about it. But there’s more. She’s so much more (as we all are)—with parts of her self still on their way to meet her on her journey.

“She is already the most accurate possible representation of herself.” — Rachel Cusk

Table by the window. Morning light, young and bright. Sarah hasn’t arrived. I resist the temptation to pick up my phone and settle into a daydream. The usual objects on the table—cold utensils, glasses and a jug of water—seem to be breathing in the light. Then, each at their own pace, they exhale it out in sparkles and dancing ripples, more brilliant and marvellous than before. I peel my eyes away from the light show and shift my attention to the objects’ shadows. I hadn’t noticed when they got here, but I know very well that wherever the objects go, there they’ll be. Solemn and unmoving, they darken when the light strengthens. And when the sun retreats momentarily into the clouds, they fade as if to hide. To be without a shadow is to be without light, it’s to be without a part of our selves, without life…

Just about then, something pink and ebullient snaps me out of my thoughts. Sarah. Her dress is out to put a smile on your face, like a tulip on a perfect spring day. It brings to mind something she’d later say about how she loves to bring joy to people and make them laugh. Her own smile, toasty and kind, has a similar effect.

The loudness of her outfit belies the gentleness of her energy and the calm of her voice. Even though we’re meeting for the first time, her authenticity can be felt immediately. There’s a profound thoughtfulness in her words that feels nourishing. “Spa for the mind”, as she says—and heart, I’ll add. Hers is a kind of authenticity that makes you feel safe enough, brave enough to be your self, too. It reminds you that to be your self does not mean to be one thing only. “I am so many things. I do so many things, I come from so many places and I contain so many contradictions… I am a work in progress,” she tells me.

There are silences that beg to be filled. There are silences that allow you to breathe and be in the moment. With Sarah, the latter is true. There’s no need for extra words where extra words have no value or meaning. It’s one of many more facets of her that may not appear often on her YouTube channel and Instagram, where you’ll more likely encounter Ebullient-Pink-Dress Sarah cooking—and eating—up a storm ( @Sarah: Thank you for all your ramyeon recipes and recommendations, btw), flitting linguistically between English, Mandarin and Hokkien. That’s Sarah Huang Benjamin, too, no mistake about it. But there’s more. She’s so much more (as we all are)—with parts of her self still on their way to meet her on her journey.

“I’ve been trying to figure myself out for as long as I can remember, and figure out my path in life. But now, I’m finally learning that maybe the journey is lifelong, and that figuring things out is the beauty of it.”

Who is Sarah Huang Benjamin?
Sarah: It’s so hard to talk about myself because I am so many things. I do so many things, I come from so many places and I contain so many contradictions. But most of all, I am a work in progress. I’ve been trying to figure myself out for as long as I can remember, and figure out my path in life. But now, I’m finally learning that maybe the journey is lifelong, and that figuring things out IS the beauty of it. At the heart of it, I know I am a good person, a good friend and a good daughter. Everything else can be in flux, but if I have those roles at my core, I know I’m okay.

What is your current state of heart?
Sarah: My current state of heart is: Growth. It hasn’t been an easy time (for everyone), and I am learning to transform and adapt. I tend to set up expectations and goals for myself, and when things don’t pan out, I get upset. Now, I’m looking towards the present and the future with an open heart and open mind, and I am trying to grow into someone who trusts the universe and myself to figure out my path.

Imagine meeting and having a conversation with your self for the first time, what do think might be the first thing(s) about you that’d strike you
Sarah: If I met myself for the first time, I think I would be struck by my smile. I like to think that I’m a nice and genuine person, and hopefully that comes through when I meet people. Also, my sense of humour. I’ve always been the class clown, and I love making people laugh. It’s the thing people are most surprised by when we actually meet in person, but I kind of love that.

Sarah wears a twilly, As de Cœur bracelets and earrings from HERMÈS

“I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, A LESSON, IN ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US.”

What three qualities in you do you most admire and are grateful to be?
Sarah: I admire my positivity. I was a cheerleader in school, and in some ways, I’m still a cheerleader at heart. Even when I’m feeling down on myself, or feeling stressed about a situation, I’m able to come up with a positive mindset and find the silver lining in everything. I believe that there is a reason, or at the very least, a lesson, in anything that happens to us, and I’m grateful to have an outlook like that.

I also like the streak of independence within myself. I have never been shy about my own opinion, and I have a lot of confidence in my thoughts. I’m really grateful that I was raised to know that I don’t have to conform to norms set by other people, and that I should be free to pursue the things I want, the things that make me happy.

When I say “self love”, what comes to mind?
Sarah: Self-kindness comes to mind. It took me a long time to understand that self-love and self-care go beyond just eating “well”, taking care of your skin or whatever else. I’ve realised that self-kindness is also about forgiveness and space. Giving yourself the space to mess up, to learn, and to try again.

I’ve always been a perfectionist, and I can be very hard on myself. What I’ve had to learn over the years is that I have so much love for the people around me — I love fiercely and deeply, whether it’s my partner, my family or my friends. But I wasn’t treating myself the same way.

“I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, A LESSON, IN ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US.”

It was a big wake-up call when I read a prompt that said, “think of how you speak to yourself. Would you speak to your friends that way?” I realised just how unkind my internal monologue was. I was constantly criticising myself, convincing myself that everything was my fault. And I knew then and there that it had to change. This is the thing I’m trying to work on the most, genuine self-kindness, and from there, self-love.

In what ways are self-love and self-care important to you and the quality of your life and relationships? What does it mean for you to love and value your self in the current season?
Sarah: It sounds like a cliché, but I believe that you’re not really equipped to love others in a healthy way unless you love yourself first. If you don’t see the value you bring to a relationship, you’ll convince yourself that the other person doesn’t either, even if that’s not true. It’s beyond important that we really love ourselves, and see ourselves for the amazing bundle of triumphs, challenges and complexities that we are, before we can give part of ourselves to a relationship – whether it’s a friendship, romantic relationship or a family relationship.

Right now, I’m focused on growing into my own person. I want to value myself and look at my abilities and strengths without comparing myself to others. I know that when I can do that, I’ll be a better collaborator.

“I have so much love for the people around me—I love fiercely and deeply… But I wasn’t treating myself the same way.”

What is one of your biggest self criticisms or judgements? How do you quiet the bad DJ in your head and change the narrative?
Sarah: As I said, I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. Not in a jealous way, mind you. I’m still very proud of what others can achieve, but sometimes I hold myself against those standards, even when I wasn’t necessarily working towards them in the first place. When that happens, I feel pulled in all directions, trying to achieve things that don’t necessarily work in harmony. So to combat that, I try to really zero in on exactly what drives me. I know it’s not money, so why do I compare myself to others financially? As I reconnect myself to my original purpose and goals, I find these self-criticisms fall away.

What is one thing you’re ready to let go of which no longer serves you and your life?
Sarah: I’m 100% ready to let go of fear. I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember — I think it comes with being a perfectionist — and I used to rationalise all that fear and anxiety by telling myself that it’s good to be careful, to be safe. I thought all that overthinking was keeping me safe from unnecessary risks, and I have been clinging on to that for a long time. Now, I am ready to let go of fear. I am ready to take risks, and approach life with a completely open heart and mind. I want to make decisions based on what I truly want, not because I’m scared of things going wrong, or losing something.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? When was the last time you consciously chose to do something that makes you happy?
Sarah: I don’t know if there is such a thing as “perfect” happiness, and that’s a big deal for a perfectionist like myself to admit! I think happiness ebbs and flows in life, and that’s okay. The lows make the highs sweeter, right? And it’s okay to celebrate small wins, or small joys. I’m grateful for anything that adds happiness to my life, even if it isn’t perfect. Having said that, things that make me happy are: being by the sea, long walks, a good cup of tea, and cats. Small things, but they all give me joy.

The last time I consciously chose to do something to make myself happy was when I went for a long walk and listened to one of my favourite pieces of classical music. I didn’t worry about calories burnt, I didn’t worry about the pace. I just lost myself in the music, took in everything around me, and put one foot in front of the other.

“I’ve realised that self-kindness is also about forgiveness and space. Giving yourself the space to mess up, to learn, and to try again.”

“I’VE REALISED THAT SELF-KINDNESS IS ALSO ABOUT FORGIVENESS AND SPACE. GIVING YOURSELF THE SPACE TO MESS UP, TO LEARN, AND TO TRY AGAIN.”

If you could go back to a time when you were going through a hard time, to a younger self perhaps, what would you tell her with what you know now?
Sarah: I would tell my younger self not to worry, because you’ll find your way in life, no matter what. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know it seems like things are hopeless, but there is ALWAYS hope. It may not look like what you had expected or planned for, but that’s okay. Embrace the uncertainty, embrace the unknowable, and just let yourself BE. Enjoy everything around you — the people, the places, the experiences. There will always be ups and downs, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you’re living.

What is the one mountain in your life you have climbed and conquered that you are most proud of?
Sarah: It’s so strange, but I couldn’t come up with an answer to this question! I think my brain just isn’t wired to think of anything as a “mountain” in my life. I know challenges present themselves, but I feel like I just get on with it. I do get overwhelmed by things at times, but I’m proud that my attitude is to just DO. So I don’t think I have any specific mountains that I’ve overcome, because my life so far is a mix of challenges, joys and uncertainties, and I’m grateful for them all.

Having said that, one major ‘blockage’ in my life has been my self-image of my body. It’s an ongoing process, but I’m learning to love my body at any size, after years of putting myself through punishing diets and self-loathing. Some girls are bigger than others, and that’s okay! It’s an ongoing practice, but I hope to get to the point where I genuinely love my physical self.

“Maybe I’m biased, but I think cooking can be a wonderful exercise in mindfulness.”

What self-care do you practice often that has proved to be beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing?
Sarah: Practising meditation and mindful breathing has been life-changing for me. I have to really thank the apps Calm and Headspace, because being able to do bite-sized meditation exercises has allowed me to integrate this practice Into my life in a very achievable way. It’s amazing the difference a five-minute meditation can make to your day, and I recommend the practice to all my friends.

Maybe I’m biased, but I think cooking can be a wonderful exercise in mindfulness. There’s no letting the mind wander when you’re cooking, because you really have to be present in your mind and body when you’re chopping, frying and dealing with food. I think that is one of the reasons for my life-long love of cooking. It’s almost meditative, but it’s also so much fun, because you can let your creativity flow and create something new.

Complete the sentence: The best gift I can give my self is …
Sarah: Courage. With a little more bravery, I can expand the horizons of my life. Even though I don’t know what lies beyond right now, I don’t have to fear it.

So, now I’m aware, all I need to do when I wake up is one thing only: Get to the mat. Once I’ve accomplished that one thing, the next thing will follow, and the rest of the day somehow takes care of itself, one step, one breath at a time. After yoga, I meditate, and then I journal and read something that calls out to me with a cup of coffee.

Having a morning routine, turning inward before the world can lay its hands on me, centers and calms me, it reminds me of who I am and that’s all I need to be. Setting an intention, doing a gratitude exercise and visualising an ideal day is my way of choosing how I want to show up each day. At the most fundamental, it means I begin the day remembering to breathe and unclench my jaws, which is already a pretty great start.

I don’t always succeed as I said. There have been—and will continue to be—days when I’d choose not to show up, when choosing to stay in the dark feels easier than trying. When that happens, I’ve learned that it’s best to let come whatever comes and, more importantly, to forgive myself. It’s a journey, like you said. And the thing about journeys is, even if we lose our way, even if we take a day off, and find ourselves taking steps backwards and making detours, it doesn’t undo how far we’ve already come. Despite my many failed attempts, the cumulative result of my morning ritual, in retrospect, has been really quite amazing — it’s played a big part in freeing me from my anxiety, and the prison of my own mind.

Cultivating a self-care ritual for yourself, whether it’s a morning routine or something else, is you making a stand and claiming responsibility and power over how you want to live this life, choice by choice, day by day. No one else can do that for you, and that means no one can take it away from you.

Okay, now, you ask me a question.
Sarah: How does your morning routine start your day? Have you ever woken up feeling bad and having that turned around by your routine? As an aspiring morning person, I’m curious.
Me: It has taken me a lot of trying and giving up and trying again over many years, to find what works for me. Before I answer your question, I think it’s important that no one reading this should feel like having a morning routine is the way, or to feel bad that they don’t have or haven’t found what’s best for them. I was there before, when I used to wish I could be like this and that person—the “if I did this, then I will at last be happy” pattern of thought only made me feel more defeated and undeserving.

Waking up early in the morning (ideally at 5am) and having the first two hours of undisturbed peace to be with my self has become an important ritual in my journey of self-discovery and healing. You ask if I’ve ever woken up feeling bad. The truth is, I almost never wake up feeling great. It was especially difficult when I was battling with depression and anxiety. Even though I’m in a much healthier place now mentally, I don’t exactly shine when I rise.

Like you, I’m a perfectionist and I tend to over-think. The thoughts that rush into my head when I open my eyes in the morning take me away from the present into a storm of all the things I should do, need to do, all the things I’m not, and what-if scenarios. Noise. Once these thoughts take over and the irrational fears, the stories and resistance kick in, I know I’d spiral into a dark place.

In my current morning ritual, I begin with a short yoga session. Moving the body is for me a sure way of getting the energy flowing. Even 15 minutes on the mat is enough to shift me out of a “stuck” or negative state.

So, now I’m aware, all I need to do when I wake up is one thing only: Get to the mat. Once I’ve accomplished that one thing, the next thing will follow, and the rest of the day somehow takes care of itself, one step, one breath at a time. After yoga, I meditate, and then I journal and read something that calls out to me with a cup of coffee.

Having a morning routine, turning inward before the world can lay its hands on me, centers and calms me, it reminds me of who I am at the core and that’s all I need to be. Setting an intention, doing a gratitude exercise and visualising an ideal day is my way of choosing how I want to show up each day. At the most fundamental, it means I begin the day remembering to breathe and unclench my jaws, which is already a pretty great start.

I don’t always succeed as I said. There have been—and will continue to be—days when I’d choose not to show up, when choosing to stay in the dark feels easier than trying. When that happens, I’ve learned that it’s best to let come whatever comes and, more importantly, to forgive myself. It’s a journey, like you said. And the thing about journeys is, even if we lose our way, even if we take a day off, and find ourselves taking steps backwards and making detours, it doesn’t undo how far we’ve already come. Despite my many failed attempts, the cumulative result of my morning ritual, in retrospect, has been really quite amazing — it’s played a big part in freeing me from my anxiety, and the prison of my own mind.

Cultivating a self-care ritual for yourself, whether it’s a morning routine or something else, is you making a stand and claiming responsibility and power over how you want to live this life, choice by choice, day by day. No one else can do that for you, and that means no one can take it away from you.

“The best gift I can give my self is… courage. With a little more bravery, I can expand the horizons of my life. Even though I don’t know what lies beyond right now, I don’t have to fear it.”

Sarah Huang Benjamin is a chef, content creator and host.

Your SElf-Love Practice

In no more than one page, write a love letter to your self—by hand. Prompts: This letter could be an expression of gratitude for what you have overcome and become, words of encouragement, a letter to your previous/future self, or an apology. Try it, be a friend to your self. x